News Item

Texas is seeking somewhere to stash the state’s supply of gold bullion. Apparently they want to bring the booty home from New York City. This has resulted in numerous entities within the state lobbying to store the gold. This letter is on its way to Austin, along with many others:

Guvnor Greg Abbott
Austin, TX

Dear Guvnor Abbott:

I am Jimbo Purdy. Me and my brother, Bubba, own AAA-Aardvark Self Storage in Azle. We are the first Self Storage bidness listed in the Azle phone book, which means we are the best. We want you to pick us to store the Texas gold bullion.

AAA-Aardvark has many features that make us the place for our blessed state’s gold. Bubba and me both voted for you, as did my wife, Lula Jean. Bubba done throwed his wife out when he found out she voted for that uppity Wendy Davis instead of you. We’re located on the frontage road off highway 199, right next to the Whataburger. We even share a parking lot with the Whataburger, which makes it easy for you to get lunch on your way to visit the gold. We have storage units of various sizes, and you can pull the truck right up to any of the doors. We’re willing to help your boys unload the gold and stack it up just the way you want it. AAA-Aardvark is guarded 24/7 by Bubba, me, and three pit bulls. (There used to be four, but one just had a litter of the cutest pups around and is on maternity leave on the farm.)

We are willing to beat any price charged by those fancy self storage places in Dallas, Houston, or Austin. Hell, we’ll even skip the deposit in the interest of keeping the state budget balanced. And we can throw in your pick of the pit bull puppies for free. To reserve a unit, please call my cell phone at 817-555-AAAA. Bubba and me would be proud to store Texas’s gold at AAA-Aardvark.

Sincerely,
Jimbo Purdy

[Dang, I miss Molly Ivins!]